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Hate Is Heavy

Hate seems to be more contagious than ever. It is easy to throw that emotion around, because it is much harder to face why you feel it. Eventually we have to face that hate, often in unexpected ways, life is funny like that. You get to decide how to handle that moment so choose wisely, my friend. Here's how one of those moments went down for me.

Hate is a bad word.

We didn't use the word hate in my family. My parents explained the weight of the it and the consequences that came along with it. I was told about people or scenarios that forced people to face what they hated and how monumental that moment turned out. I've never understood hating something or someone, for no apparent reason and always kept these stories in the back of my mind.

Being an empath and a bit more sensitive than the average person along with that background, I have been cautious with what warranted hate. For me to put hate on something, I have to have thought it out and be willing to take on the possible repercussions. To truly hate something or someone, know that I put thought into it, weighed the action, possible repercussions, and determined that I was warranted with logical and defendable reasons to place that hate.

And just as I had been warned, I had to face something that I hated that included someone that I hated, I was one shy from the trifecta of hate! Long story short, I had been done wrong and a person involved in the wrong was coming to me. Desperation, humility, and definitely some stupidity played a role for someone whom had specifically and intentionally wronged you to reach out to you. Nonetheless, that was the deal and I would love to tell you that I am such a good person that I naturally did not think twice about helping a fellow human, but that was not the case.

I heard the wicked witch of the west's laughter in my mind and it was glorious!

I am not a bad person, I am ok-er than some and not the ok-est of them all and presented with this opportunity to implement payback, I was feeling fantastic about it! I only had a couple of years worth of pre-recorded possibilities and delightful outcomes of destruction rolling around in my hate fueled minds eye, and I was jazzed up about it. I wanted to choose whatever would inflict the most pain, soul crushing devastation, and ruin their world at the same time I made it clear that the day to fuck-around-and-find-out was today.

A gratifying urge pulled at my core and I almost missed the little voice inside remind me that I was better than that, almost. It would have been pleasurable to agonize this person specifically. To wreck their perception of reality and put them in their deserving place, and would have liked it! The voice chimed in again, because you can do something, doesn't mean you should. That would make you just like them, the thing you have hated for so long. I had leverage over a person that thought they were better than me and the universe clearly wanted this to happen by making it so easy. The darkness of all of that was clear and bright in my mind and I was going to be triumphant. I would have been justified, anyone would have agreed, so why not burn the ships?

The internal fight was a more like battle between willpower and justified brutality but it represented a much bigger war.

Pain from the actions of others and loss almost killed me and I don't know that I will ever forget how it felt. It all gave me a different perspective to endure it all...basically alone, and I realized that I didn’t want anyone to feel those depths of darkness, and I wasn’t going to be the source of it. Even if they did deserve it.

I didn't do all the ratcheted up shitty things I had once thought would heal of my wounds. It would not have changed anything that had happened so I chose to follow the heart of a survivor. To set in stone that I, in fact was the bigger, stronger, and inherently higher value person. It was not a magical thing with validation from everyone around to justify my actions. I had the blade of karma sharpened and it was in my hand, they recognized it, I saw the moment it registered. I chose to be human for another human in need, as simple as that.

The actions of others do not define us. We cannot forget the things that happened and who played a part, but we can recognize that these actions and choices are what separate one from the other. I don't want to forget the reminder to not give unconditionally again. I've made mistakes and wish I handled some things better than I did, but I learned from all of it. When it comes to a test of my character, I'm someone you want on your side. I don't want to be a part of what doesn't recognize or value that. It is easy to fight a battle waged out of hate because hate feeds hate. Hurt people, hurt people and only think of the immediate situation and out of self service. Those that are motivated out of hate take advantage of the tough situations and throw the low hits and their status will remain low rent.

The hard fight is the one you didn't want, that you didn't get a choice in and even tried to avoid. They know the darkness in themselves are are aware that everyone has it and choose to keep it on the fringe. They have fought the hard fights and not spoken of it and know the dangers involved but are still in it for the good. To recognize this in yourself and others raises your value. You fight for the greater good and not out of desperation and it is a calling.

Those are the people to fear and when they fight they change the world.


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